Distractions

I am not the ideal person to be diagnosed, partly as I started my treatment with the biggest fear of needles and blood and other pointed objects of anyone at my year at school.

I cried at my last injection, broke down screaming at a recent blood test.

I had to have a canular put in for my initial biopsy at Stanmore. I let them do it, and their attempts to calm and distract me were actually entertaining. Do I have a boyfriend? Nooo! I moaned. Are there any guys I like? (My mother is clutching my weak hand) Well yes, except now the poor guy I thought of will always be slightly associated with the insertion of a spike into my skin and subsequent controlled passing out.

(General anaesthetic- that's another story. My mum says I am hilarious when I wake up. I wake up in a dream, declaring that everyone around me is 'lovely'. Last time, my mum ventured as far to say that I am going to be cheap to get drunk.)

My next canular insertion was not such a pleasant experience. They failed at three attempts to put it into my vein. (I had been starved for general anaesthetic, but it was painful. And they didn't just fail, they rummaged in my skin. I had developed a new phobia now, and worse than before as it was now based on evidence, not psychology.)

Eventually they put it in my elbow. They distracted me for two seconds by showing me my oxygen chart and it was done. And I was once again asleep.

That canular stayed in for a week. It was uncomfortable and painful, but I got used to it. When I went for my next general anaesthetic, they tried to flush it. And it hurt. I broke down. I gained a new fear. They put me to sleep by gas. I only spluttered once, before dissolving into a sea of plasticky, artificial odour gas. (Which in my mind was pink and sickly.)

I woke up with a new canular in the back of my arm. Its position was thus it couldn't be inserted when I was awake and it was the fear of the hole in my arm when it came out that actually freaked me out more than the concept of it being there.

I've had two other blood test experiences which were painless, just moved by fear. I delayed a simple blood test by half an hour out of pure terror. I was screaming and writhing and I'm not even sure why. I was just so scared of pain. It was only the thought of delaying it by another 12 hours which finally scared me into it.

The lovely support people tried to help me. I've tried stress balls, sparkly glitter objects, Where's Wally-style picture books. All fabulous before, but when the needle goes in I just need to close my eyes and have my mother near me. It's all that gets me through.

I also panicked before my penultimate blood test. I felt like I was being forced with my arm. I only let them put it in my arm after I'd put on the tournaque. I'd positioned my arm. I'd put it on the pillow. I had control.

And my blood test today was fine. No issues. I'm making progress.

And injections? They are fine. Just give me some cold spray and do it in my leg and quickly. At least I'm over that.

I don't want to spook anyone out by this. You don't even have to read this, and everyone is different. I am getting over my fears more and more each time. Everything will be all right.

Keep telling yourself that. It helped me.